March on into that good night.

March 2010

I feel worthless. Money is my other problem, I spend like it’s going out of fashion (I like that simile). At the moment my debt matches my annual gross income, which is bad, really bad, especially considering I may soon be out of a job, again. I’m trying to fight my depression and keep on going to work, but I hate it, the job, the journey to work, the fake joviality I must portray – everything.

I have been away from the office for the last month, one week was because of an awfully painful cyst/boil in my swimsuit area – unbelievably painful for such a small area, the second week was me trying to drag myself out of my blues – I always hit the wall after I’m physically ill (as opposed to mentally ill which is a thin and blurry line). The third week I was away from the office training, and I then took a week and a bit annual leave. I know I’m messing up badly at work – they want to get rid of people and it’s like I’m jumping up and down going ‘PICK ME, PICK ME!’

I’m thinking about suicide more and more, I work near the Thames and each smoking break (yes, I smoke, a very slow and expensive form of suicide), I imagine jumping from the jetty and sinking away, or diving from London Bridge hitting my head on a concrete balustrade and sinking like a weighted anchor. I then recall that I may be forced to relive this shit storm of a life ad infinitum as punishment, so I stub out my ciggie and return to work. But I’m going to change that; I’m going to change everything – if this were a musical I would now burst into a jaunty song with my hands in the air while spinning around.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking ‘Once I’m thin everything will be wonderful; rainbows and fairy dust will mark my every step’, but I kinda am. Well not really, I have a skewed sense of reality but not that skewed, yet. I do think that everything will be easier though, because I’m learning to love myself as I am, even though I’m morbidly obese. So it follows that once the main thing that bothers me is gone or even lessened then I’ll find self acceptance that much more effortless to achieve.