A life kinda bore-dinary

November 2009

I feel like I’ve wasted my 20s, I turned 30 four months ago and have nothing to show for it – not even memories of debauched nights out. My only ‘achievement’ is that I’ve managed to outlive Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain – Which makes me even more pathetic as look at what they had accomplished by the age of 27. Of course the major downside of their lives would be their early and tragic deaths.

I have slept through my best decade; my biological clock is now banging away like the gong from that movie studio. I have no prospects on the horizon, in fact the only thing stopping me from throwing myself off the nearest bridge, is the fear that if I don’t work on my ‘stuff’ in this life I’ll have to repeat it in the next.

I’m not sure where I stand on reincarnation. I think my safest bet is to think of this life as my one and only, so I have to make it what I want it to be.

So back to the surgery, it’s the first step in my new journey that will bring me the happiness (I’d settled for contentment) I deserve. Whew that last declaration is a breakthrough for me – I’ve just admitted that I don’t deserve to be depressed, listless, fearful and alone, I do deserve to be happy, purposeful and with someone. Who that someone will be I have no idea. It’s been that long since I kissed a guy, that I’m not sure if I remember how?!

I’m really scared that there is nobody I will be able to live with, or more honestly – live with me. I’m an anti-social (sometimes I do like a party, but 99.9% of the time… I don’t), Sci-fi/fantasy addicted (I’d say TV but I hate soaps and reality TV), erotica reading (since I’m not getting any in reality), moody (have I mentioned the clinical depression!?), intellectual snob of only slightly above average intelligence (my IQ was 144 when I was tested many moons ago, I fear it has dropped several points thanks to my ‘moocow’ job), self-hating, self-doubting, morbidly obese, woman skiing down the wrong side of thirty.

Any offers? *tumbleweeds blow across t’interweb*

Obviously I’m not fussy; I just want a good looking, hygienic, intelligent, funny, understanding, slightly kinky (definitely dominant) above 5’6” guy who can tie a cherry stem with his tongue. I’m kidding about the last quality but even with that I don’t think my list is too demanding.

I have to be honest with myself and admit that before now I have pushed people away with the subtlety of a Jack in the box, but I’m ready now…well I want to be ready now.

Rejection. That’s my biggest fear; I also want to be ‘normal’ before I’m part of a couple. For me normal is equal to not obese, I don’t want to stand out like this anymore. I have just caught sight of myself in a mirror *urgh* another wave of self loathing washed over me.