Whew, finally up to date - although it depends on what day this is...

My posts are all caught up now, as I haven't written anything offline for months - specifically since July, so this is just an update of my current situation.

I’m still clinging to my job by the edge of my teeth, I’m still single and I’m still living with my parents.

I’ve lost a total of 30kg/66lbs/4st10lbs. I still feel very fat, and I still am obese as my BMI is 32.9; I need to lose 7.5kg/17lbs/1st3lbs before I enter the overweight category, and a further 2st1lb to get in the normal range. I bet when I first stated that I was 8st overweight you thought I was exaggerating – turns out I was underestimating as I was actually 8st1lb overweight but what’s 1lb between virtual friends eh?

But I feel great at this moment, yesterday was not so good. I keep getting calls at work from bill collectors, which as I have no money to give them seem pretty pointless to me. The guy yesterday not so subtly threatened that the calls would continue until I made a payment at which point I laughed in disbelief as I had for the last 10 minutes been explaining that as I was over my overdraft limit and I have no form of income other than my monthly wage I couldn’t afford anything…at all. So I asked him what he suggested I do, he came back with asking my family for money – to whom I already owe £1.5K so not a great idea.

The really stupid thing is I’ve been here before, 8 years ago I was in serious debt and it took me 3 years to clear it. Now I’m in much worse debt with no plan, and an ever increasing urge to hide my head under my pillow. Good news is that after visiting my GP today she has lowered my dose of fluoxetine. So I think that it means I’m on the road to recovery, and by recovery I mean eventually I’d like to be free of medication even though I acknowledge that I’ll forever be susceptible to depressive episodes. I’d like to be able to take the rough and smooth with alacrity.

Things are better

July 2010

I had my surgery mid June. I am now 5 weeks post surgery and feeling fine. So far I have lost just over 3 stones in total (from Sept 09 to now, not in the last 4 weeks!) and my BMI is 36, so I’m no longer morbidly obese. I’m severely obese, gee *slapping my slightly less wobbly thigh* I can’t wait to be overweight! (Sad thing is I’m serious).

On the day of my surgery I didn’t want anyone to come with me – I was convinced I wouldn’t survive the surgery (cheery thought I know) so I didn’t want to say goodbye. As it turns out I did survive…the clue is in this paragraph.

Since my original consultation back in September I was told I would be having a sleeve gastrectomy (SG) – most of my stomach would be removed and I’d be left with a banana shaped stomach of about 50mls. The main advantages of this as opposed to the gastric bypass (RNY) is that it’s a much shorter less invasive op and as there is no messing around with my intestines, malabsorption wouldn’t be an issue; therefore I wouldn’t be obligated to take vitamins and minerals for the rest of my life. The main disadvantages are that it has a lower ‘excess weight loss’ percentage, and as it’s a fairly new procedure it has no long term result data available.

When I was researching the SG every piece of info implied it was usually used as a precursor for the RNY on the severely obese i.e. BMI of 50 or higher. As I had a BMI of 42 in September I wasn’t sure why my consultant was recommending this op for me, but I was pleased as I figured it’d be much less complicated for me to have to live with fewer rules post-op. Anyhoo this is all moot as on that fateful morning I was told my op was going to be RNY. Of course when the checking in nurse told me this I assumed she had me confused with another patient (funnily enough this didn’t worry me…) and told her of her error. Then later that morning the surgical assistant said the same thing when she was going over my consent forms.

Now at this point I thought ‘should I cancel this whole thing?’ as obviously I wasn’t paying very close attention during my other appointments!

Then she told me the same thing as I’d been reading up and down t’internet that SG was only the first stage of RNY anyway and that if I opt for RNY my diabetes had an 80% chance of disappearing. For me, that cinched it.

Now after the horse had bolted I had a good search around for RNY issues – I had read lots about it during my research about SG, but as it wasn’t my main priority at the time I hadn’t been my usual through self. Even though I made the ultimate decision in around 2 minutes I do believe I made the right choice. In RNY the stomach pouch is much smaller - the size of a golf ball apparently, and I do have to take vitamins and minerals – I took vitC everyday anyway and I’ve experienced the dreaded ‘dumping syndrome’ (awful, just awful) once – which believe me was enough.

Dumping syndrome (not as disgusting as it sounds) is when a type of food (usually something sugary but I’ve heard it can happen with carbs also) travels through your pouch to your intestine too quickly leaving you with a flushed shaky feeling. When it happened to me I was 8 days post op and decided to try orange juice because it was on my diet sheet that I should have a small glass of fruit juice upon waking up. Well it went down fine…then about 5 minutes later I felt really light headed, nauseous, and my stomach hurt. I actually felt kinda fluey. This lasted for about 30-45 minutes, and then I was fine again. My first thought was ‘did my surgeon nick an ovary?’ – I thought it may have been a hot flush! Melodramatic I know.

Anyway back to how I am now. I still can’t eat a lot, yet I’m rarely hungry (notice I didn’t say never) I feel way more energetic even though I am more tired – a dichotomy I’m puzzled by. I can walk much further much faster without knee pain and backache. Plus I’m diabetes free (for now, as it may come back eventually). I can’t gulp water like I used to, and this is my biggest challenge, so far.

It is definitely not the easy way out; I have to monitor everything I eat for protein and carb content. If I don’t get enough protein I don’t lose weight – week 3 and 4 post surgery confirmed this. It does mean that I no longer have the option of binging, so I imagine that’s why it’s thought of as easier than a conventional diet. Also I’d be a liar if I said the rapid weight loss wasn’t an attraction, but I’ve had rapid weight loss before – I’ve starved myself, I’ve done meal replacement diets (lighter life twice and meals replacement bars once). Yet on all my diets (weight watchers 4 times, calorie counting too numerous to count, general cutting down, and Xenical with healthy eating) I’ve always lost weight, only to put it all back on plus 7lbs extra.

I think my failures were down to my unresolved and more importantly unacknowledged eating disorder. If I had realised earlier that my eating pattern was an actual disorder and there was a way to resolve it I think I would have got it under control many years ago – it’s taken me 3 years so I think if I had know about BED 15 years ago it would still have taken me 3 years, but I’d be 12 years ‘in recovery’ now.

I feel much more confident, and no longer force myself into a jacket if it’s warm out.

Things can only get better...

29 Mar. 10

I had a talk with one of my cousins, and he pointed out that my addiction to fiction was neither healthy nor helpful. I fought his assertions valiantly, but in the end I bawled like a baby as he’s right. I do prefer the fantasy of my books and DVDs to any part of my waking reality.
My argument was that I’m happier when immersed in my world of fiction rather than facing my real life. I totally changed my viewpoint by the end, as he had hit my problem right on its head (I think he should have been a politician). I am lonely, yet I’m not doing anything to change this state of being. Yes I’m on social networks and dating sites, but I really don’t like interacting with others. Whenever I’m ‘talking’ to someone, I’m itching to sign off and do something by myself. I guess because I’m always thinking, this person must be bored with me, and I don’t want them to be cursing me out under their breath.

I also have nothing new to say. Nothing that I want other people to know ever happens to me. So the conversation goes like this:

So what’s new?
Err, nothing.
Oh, ok.
…
…
Still working at the same place?
Yeah, you?
Yeah.
…
…
So, let’s catch up again soon.

Urgh! I wish I could say ‘I’m getting married in 3 weeks’ or ‘I’ve just moved house’ or ‘my huge stomach contains identical twin girls actually’ instead of ‘Although you haven’t seen me in 14 years, my life has not changed in any significant way, except I’m 8 stone heavier and I now know what my extreme ‘moodiness’ was about. You?’

March on into that good night.

March 2010

I feel worthless. Money is my other problem, I spend like it’s going out of fashion (I like that simile). At the moment my debt matches my annual gross income, which is bad, really bad, especially considering I may soon be out of a job, again. I’m trying to fight my depression and keep on going to work, but I hate it, the job, the journey to work, the fake joviality I must portray – everything.

I have been away from the office for the last month, one week was because of an awfully painful cyst/boil in my swimsuit area – unbelievably painful for such a small area, the second week was me trying to drag myself out of my blues – I always hit the wall after I’m physically ill (as opposed to mentally ill which is a thin and blurry line). The third week I was away from the office training, and I then took a week and a bit annual leave. I know I’m messing up badly at work – they want to get rid of people and it’s like I’m jumping up and down going ‘PICK ME, PICK ME!’

I’m thinking about suicide more and more, I work near the Thames and each smoking break (yes, I smoke, a very slow and expensive form of suicide), I imagine jumping from the jetty and sinking away, or diving from London Bridge hitting my head on a concrete balustrade and sinking like a weighted anchor. I then recall that I may be forced to relive this shit storm of a life ad infinitum as punishment, so I stub out my ciggie and return to work. But I’m going to change that; I’m going to change everything – if this were a musical I would now burst into a jaunty song with my hands in the air while spinning around.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking ‘Once I’m thin everything will be wonderful; rainbows and fairy dust will mark my every step’, but I kinda am. Well not really, I have a skewed sense of reality but not that skewed, yet. I do think that everything will be easier though, because I’m learning to love myself as I am, even though I’m morbidly obese. So it follows that once the main thing that bothers me is gone or even lessened then I’ll find self acceptance that much more effortless to achieve.

Now you’re just taking the piss!

February/March

I have to go to a group therapy ‘thing’ before my op can be scheduled; to get my binge eating disorder under control. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this, but I’m not fond of ‘group’ anything, what I like most about therapy is that I get to be selfish for 50 whole minutes and not feel guilty. Listening to others’ gripes which are bound to be worse than mine will just bring all that guilt rushing back – argh!

For this course of therapy I needed to buy a book which as luck would have it, I’ve already got. Two years ago when I was first assessed for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), the therapist recommended a book for me to read, to keep me partially sane while I waited for my course of therapy to begin.

I bought the book immediately as it required nothing other than cash for me to do that. Upon its arrival I read the first five pages and shelved it. I’m great at getting the tools for stuff, be it decorating, starting a new hobby, overhauling my personality and trying to overcome my mental imbalance…whatever, but to actually expend some effort and use those tools…nah.

Anyhoo, the group is basically 2 therapists (at least I think they’re therapists) talking us through the 6 steps to recovery. (Btw the book is ‘Overcoming Binge Eating’ by Chris Fairburn) I’ve read the whole thing now and it really works.

I’m by no means cured but I understand my impulses more, and am therefore more able to control myself. The first half of the book explains what BED is, what the typical signs are and outlines the research which has been done. The second half is where Dr Fairburn outlines the 6 steps which have been proven to work for most sufferers. The first is keeping a food diary of your usual behaviour and the emotions which have lead you to eat this particular food. The second is trying to eat set meals throughout the day, breakfast, lunch and dinner with 3 snacks between these meals – eating something every 3 to 4 hours. It carries on like this giving you small but achievable goals which should help get the disorder under control.

Group therapy btw - not as bad as I thought. It was kind of a relief to know that there are people out there who look ‘normal’ yet feel exactly as I do – as even after reading self help books and case studies, I still thought I was at the extreme of the spectrum and totally not the norm of people with BED.

I was completely wrong when I said that food is my addiction, it’s not; my problem is my constant failure at trying to avoid food. Addicts seek out their vice, whatever it may be, I on the other hand spend each day trying to avoid it then when this doesn’t succeed as it obviously won’t, I throw the towel in and eat everything I can lay my hands on. I’m constantly fighting my body’s natural rhythm by either starving it of nutrients it needs or overloading it with sugar and fats that it doesn’t.

A New Year, A New Me?

January 2010

I hate the concept of New Year resolutions, but this year all my scruples go out the window!

I haven’t really made a New Year resolution as I started this process in August. But this year is when I’m really going to start living, I’m going to lose weight, find a place of my own, get a long term boyfriend and finally be happy.

Well that does seem like a lot to get done in just over 11 months, but if I don’t make the changes this year, when will I?

I’m going to be more positive this year, I’m going to do what needs to be done and stop putting my life on hold. I am going to attend work everyday, and not succumb to my depression. I am going to finish reading all my self-help books – not much help if they’ve not been read, I’ve noticed.

Hark hear the bells sweet silver bells...of my doom bwha-ha-ha-haah

December 2009

I’ve lost another 4kilos – 8.8lbs, which makes a total of 7.5kilos or 16.5lbs or 1stone 2.5lbs. It sounds a lot, but again, when you’re my size it’s the equivalent of a 3 ounce loss on a normal sized person. *sigh*
I am trying to eat every three hours, regardless of how hungry I ‘feel’ as my stomach only sends me two recognisable messages – full or starving. As mad as it sounds when I eat every three hours I lose weight.

Bariatric Surgery Progress Report

November 2009

I had a weight monitoring appointment two weeks ago Friday, I lost 3.5 kilos (about 7.7lbs in old money) but when you’re as big as I am 7lbs is nothing. I wish I could stop eating, just completely stop.

Food addiction – yes it’s most definitely an addiction – is much harder to combat than most people realise. If I were an alcoholic I’d avoid alcohol and just never touch the stuff again, same goes for cocaine or heroin, (not that I’m saying those addictions are easy to kick), but you have to eat some food for survival. You don’t need a small amount of coke on a daily basis – no matter what your inner demon tells you. There’s no way I can just say I’ll never touch food again, as even on meal replacement diets you’re still consuming some sort of food!

It’s also not about a lack of self control, as everyday I’d exhibit self control when I didn’t eat until I was ravenous. It’s more about self loathing, as I didn’t think I deserved to be thin. I’m not sure why but I was plagued by the conviction that I wasn’t a good person, and as such I didn’t deserve all the things I wanted for myself.

I had an assessment appointment Monday gone, where I just had to reiterate why I wanted the operation, what I’m expecting from it, what size I will be happy with. I think I screwed up as I said a size 12, even though I’ve never been a size 12 in my adult years – size 14 was my smallest.

A life kinda bore-dinary

November 2009

I feel like I’ve wasted my 20s, I turned 30 four months ago and have nothing to show for it – not even memories of debauched nights out. My only ‘achievement’ is that I’ve managed to outlive Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain – Which makes me even more pathetic as look at what they had accomplished by the age of 27. Of course the major downside of their lives would be their early and tragic deaths.

I have slept through my best decade; my biological clock is now banging away like the gong from that movie studio. I have no prospects on the horizon, in fact the only thing stopping me from throwing myself off the nearest bridge, is the fear that if I don’t work on my ‘stuff’ in this life I’ll have to repeat it in the next.

I’m not sure where I stand on reincarnation. I think my safest bet is to think of this life as my one and only, so I have to make it what I want it to be.

So back to the surgery, it’s the first step in my new journey that will bring me the happiness (I’d settled for contentment) I deserve. Whew that last declaration is a breakthrough for me – I’ve just admitted that I don’t deserve to be depressed, listless, fearful and alone, I do deserve to be happy, purposeful and with someone. Who that someone will be I have no idea. It’s been that long since I kissed a guy, that I’m not sure if I remember how?!

I’m really scared that there is nobody I will be able to live with, or more honestly – live with me. I’m an anti-social (sometimes I do like a party, but 99.9% of the time… I don’t), Sci-fi/fantasy addicted (I’d say TV but I hate soaps and reality TV), erotica reading (since I’m not getting any in reality), moody (have I mentioned the clinical depression!?), intellectual snob of only slightly above average intelligence (my IQ was 144 when I was tested many moons ago, I fear it has dropped several points thanks to my ‘moocow’ job), self-hating, self-doubting, morbidly obese, woman skiing down the wrong side of thirty.

Any offers? *tumbleweeds blow across t’interweb*

Obviously I’m not fussy; I just want a good looking, hygienic, intelligent, funny, understanding, slightly kinky (definitely dominant) above 5’6” guy who can tie a cherry stem with his tongue. I’m kidding about the last quality but even with that I don’t think my list is too demanding.

I have to be honest with myself and admit that before now I have pushed people away with the subtlety of a Jack in the box, but I’m ready now…well I want to be ready now.

Rejection. That’s my biggest fear; I also want to be ‘normal’ before I’m part of a couple. For me normal is equal to not obese, I don’t want to stand out like this anymore. I have just caught sight of myself in a mirror *urgh* another wave of self loathing washed over me.

She stepped into the quantum leap accelerator and...

published the outstanding (as in late, not spectacular) posts to her blog.

August/September 2009
Can You Put A Cork In That Whine?

OK, lets get back to the ‘me show’.

I asked my GP to refer me to/for Bariatric Surgery. In September I had my first assessment appointment – I was weighed, measured and deeply ashamed. The last was not provided by my local PCT (Primary Care Trust), but courtesy of my self loathing.

How did I get to this point? The short answer is; I ate my way here. But I’m not one to use 5 words when 550 can be typed.

I know I’ve eaten too much, for far too many years, but I still can’t get my head around the fact, that I let it get so bad; I’m at the point where I need to resort to outside intervention. I’m also wondering if my depression is caused by my weight or is my weight is the result of my depression. I’ve always – from my earliest memory thought of myself as fat, even when I wasn’t, and I’ve always been on the path to depression – again from my earliest memories. I never wanted to be me. My first suicide attempt was at the age of 12, but I had been what I now recognise as self harming for years before that. I vividly remember banging my head against my bedroom wall with the hope of losing consciousness, so I would not have to deal with my volatile and changeable mother – I was 8.

My mother was not a ‘bad’ mother, most of the time she was fine, but when I was a child, I believed that everyone’s mood was a reflection of my behaviour; I still think this as a reflex, but now I try to say ‘where’s the evidence’ to myself, before I spiral down the OMG everyone hates me path. This is a well worn scrub-way in the overgrown garden of my psyche. If she was upset or angry I must have done something to cause it, so I would try to improve her mood, which I realise now, probably just wound her up – so she ended up shouting or hitting me. This in turn reinforced the thought that it was actually something I had or had not done. So I wanted to be ‘better’, ‘nicer’, ‘lighter’ and ‘thinner’.

The thing with me is that it’s always all or nothing. I’ve never finished anything in my life properly, I usually just stop (turning up, phoning… whatever). Take my A levels I have five (I’ve studied for six) and in all of them without exception I started out as an ‘A’ student, with boundless enthusiasm for the subject, by the second year I had stopped attending college and scraped by with two Ds two Es and an N. I always turned up for exams, but I just stopped going in and doing my assignments. To be fair to myself I was also diagnosed as being clinically depressed at the time, so I was mostly crying and sleeping when I stayed at home.

Stuff that makes me laugh.

The above is from the Very Demotivational site, which is part of the I Haz Cheezburger network of sites - some of them are freaking hilarious.

see more

Update from the lazy blogger

I have loads of stuff I've written over the last 4 months, specifically to be added here, but as my workplace is cracking down so hard on non-business sites that we're barely allowed access to google I have yet to upload them.

So apparently I have to be like normal bloggers who I assume blog from home and not at 'the man's' expense - boo, hiss.

I'll post all the stuff I've already written over the next few weeks - even though somethings are woefully out of date oh hum.