I hate me, yet want everyone else to adore me.

How do I reconcile the two opposing parts of me, and end up with a healthy whole?

This is the question I am asking myself. I know I'm self destructive, EXAMPLE: I started smoking at 21, by myself and with a determination I've never previously or since exhibited, I'm asthmatic and drawing smoke into my lungs was a drawn out cough laden chore. But, I did it, because I thought smoking would help me lose weight; cut to 8 years later 4 stone heavier, ah well, I suppose I may have been even heavier - as when I'm smoking I can't eat!

The self-doubting, self-hating part is by far the biggest side. Although I do have a virtuous side which only seems to extend to buying healthy food, books, DVDs, gym memberships but never actually eating that food, reading those books, watching and doing those DVDs , or going to the gym regulary. I have no real excuse, I don't have a social life, I'm not loaded down with reponsibilities, I just ignore my good voice and wallow in my bad voice.

I think what underlies all of this is that I don't think I deserve happiness, because I'm a 'bad' person. Which logically I know is not true - well, I'm not the worst person in the world - IMHO. If there was a scale of badness - Mother Theresa being at 1 and Jim Jones at 10 I would be at 3, the most.