I suffer with depression, I think I've established this fact (several times). I have to accept it, I have control over...nothing.
I need to take each day as it comes, and try not to think about other people. My thoughts are filled with what other people thnk about me. I imagine everyone who sees me thinks I'm fat and ugly. Which they may well do, but I've got to train myself not to care.
How I'm going to do this I have no clue whatsoever. I'm on a new diet, I'm not starving myself anymore as - if you could see me you'd know-, this clearly doesn't work. I may resume the occational purge, as this does work ; according to my scales.
How do I reconcile the two opposing parts of me, and end up with a healthy whole?
This is the question I am asking myself. I know I'm self destructive, EXAMPLE: I started smoking at 21, by myself and with a determination I've never previously or since exhibited, I'm asthmatic and drawing smoke into my lungs was a drawn out cough laden chore. But, I did it, because I thought smoking would help me lose weight; cut to 8 years later 4 stone heavier, ah well, I suppose I may have been even heavier - as when I'm smoking I can't eat!
The self-doubting, self-hating part is by far the biggest side. Although I do have a virtuous side which only seems to extend to buying healthy food, books, DVDs, gym memberships but never actually eating that food, reading those books, watching and doing those DVDs , or going to the gym regulary. I have no real excuse, I don't have a social life, I'm not loaded down with reponsibilities, I just ignore my good voice and wallow in my bad voice.
I think what underlies all of this is that I don't think I deserve happiness, because I'm a 'bad' person. Which logically I know is not true - well, I'm not the worst person in the world - IMHO. If there was a scale of badness - Mother Theresa being at 1 and Jim Jones at 10 I would be at 3, the most.
October 2008 - Got my job back as I raised an internal appeal and the panel agreed with me - will wonders never cease. I actually got a better position than the one I had when I left, so I was estatic.
January 2009- Tried the lighter life diet (again), for those who don't know what it is, it's a meal replacement diet where you drink 4 shakes or soups per day, 3 litres of water and lose weight rapidly, I lost a stone in just over a week, and felt physically better than I've felt for a long time. Then I relapsed and had a binge in week four and have been binging ever since...*self loathing washes over me*.
************'OMG Ewww' Alert!***********
I have a binge eating problem, I tend to either starve myself all day, then eat rubbish in my bedroom from 9pm until I fall asleep, or start the day eating like a normal person then it all flies out the window when I'm alone in my room and I again stuff myself with junk food until I fall asleep. A really disgusting side effect of this is I often wake up at 3 or 4am vomiting. It was so bad one night late last year (around Nov 08) that I woke up not only vomiting from my mouth but also my nose. I ended up snorting out a huge peice of chicken...Through. My. Left. Nostril! Explanation = I dont 'chew' when I binge, I just tend to gulp.
***************** Alert Over***************
I know this is a major problem but I've had it for years and I don't know if I can stop. It started out as bulimia, but as I was crap at subtefuge (I was 12) my whole family could hear me purgeing and gave me a daily dose of horror stories about people having heart attacks (I recall Karen Carpenter featured heavily) so I stopped purgeing and just binged. I'm sure if they had known it would lead to me putting on a stone a year for the next 6 years, they would have been holding my hair back while I worshipped the porcelain god.
What frys my bacon (trying out a new euphemisim) is that people - I have no idea who they actually are though - always say that the hardest part is admitting you have a problem. What a load of bull of the highest order! I freely admit I have problems, my eating habits being the at the core of all my other issues, which are for enquirng minds:
My weight
My figure
My depression and anxiety
...my self obsession
The first two are entwined, but separate issues, I know I need to lose 7 stones, but if I look good having lost less, then I'd happily stop there.
I just can't seen to control my thoughts about food, if I don't have any 'goodies' (which are obviously really baddies) in the house I feel restless and anxious. I just can't seem to stop this switch in my brain which tells me to 'sod it' whenever the sensible rational me tells me to take control of my eating and stop. Whether this is because I don't really want to, (as it's a coping mechanism which works in the short term) or it's because I need serious external help, I'm still not sure.
Anyhoo...
January to February 2009- Joined the Alpha course, I'm trying to get back in touch with a religion, and thought I should start with Christianity as that's what I know the most about. I was a regular churchgoer until I turned 13 and 'rebelled' (yes, I'm a walking cliche). I also went to a CofE school from the age of 3 to 11. So I was indoctrinated throughly during my formative years. I'm looking for a religion that encompasses my beliefs, and not the other way around - rather bass ackward I know, and also a little stubbon. I stopped going in Feb, (is this related to the below event?) as while I agree with a lot of Christian priciples I also think that the Bible should not be taken literally, and is more like a book of parables.
For instance although I'm not gay, lesbian, transgender or whatever, I don't believe that a just God would condemn you for being yourself. The Bible is full of rules and regulations that Christians today either don't know about or choose to ignore, so for them to cherry-pick what they want to adhere to is...just wrong. I also don't believe that Jesus was God, I still think he was the son of God in the way I'm the daughter of God. So the Alpha course and I parted company.
February to April 2009 - suicidal feelings return, but just sporadically and I'm not too concerned as I'm actively looking for a new counsellor.
When you've been clinically depressed on and off for 12 years it's the bigger signs that ring alarm bells, like actual planning - I once went to all the chemists in my area and ended up with 43 packs of Cocadamol, I didn't take them, as at the time Buffy 'sister' Dawn had just appeared on the scene and I was incensed to think that Joss Whedon would try to pull that long lost sister bull, I should have trusted him though as it was all explained in spectacular fashion - thank God I'm a telly addict.
